Breathing easily.

...and so pile it up. 

This generation is judgmental and just so plainly cruel. If you’ll listen to what everybody says, you’ll eventually lose it.

Do what you love. The hell they care.

S.O.R.R.Y.

Remember how we’ve all been told when we were little kids to say sorry whenever we did something wrong? And it’s just so hard because you think saying it breaks you as a person (well yeah, I don’t know how a little kid would put it, but whatever). I think there’s something wrong with that concept of apologizing.

When you say sorry, you are supposed to FEEL and BE sorry. But if you do the same shit over and over and over and be the same old motherfucker you were, then what’s the point?

What I’m saying is just don’t say it if you don’t mean it, just to keep everyone’s expectations in place. And if you really feel sorry and you think that saying the S word is like stepping on your goddamn ego, then don’t! Actually sometimes I think it’s better to act it out. Show the person you’re sorry by treating him/her like an actual human being and not some dog shit on the road. You don’t have to do something extraordinary for them, really, just be cool and treat people how you want ‘em to treat you, ya know?

Just try. Feels so much better to be the bigger person. Always.

I feel really bad that I can’t be this fucking bitch who could tell people she hates that she fucking hates them. I feel bad for them. And for myself.

I need help.

Deep shiyeht.

When I was told to do what I gotta do, never did I bat an eye. I did what I was told.
In my thoughts, the time is more than long enough to even notice it’s actually passing by.
Boy, was I wrong.

Now I end up as the girl searching up for things— just things, a lot of things, at 2 am.

Thinking of what I could’ve been, what I could’ve become and where I could’ve been stepping on at this very point in time if I turned the other way.

And imagine, barely have I even started yet. Imagine all the ‘will be’ dramas in my head after five years.

Di ko na alam, puta.

But I just can’t help it

It’s getting dark I guess we have to walk
I could still listen as you talk
In perfect mumbles and ensembles
Or just disturbed rhythms, I wont mind

Dreams, they come and go
Maybe I was running too slow
That my dreams ran off the dusk
Of that faithful summer…

It’s a song I wish I’ve never written
Words I wish we’ve never spoken
At the end of the day, I wish it’s you and me
But the earth conspired and the stars collided
That friends are all we’d ever be.

The night got colder, I could perfectly remember
Light drizzles of what we could’ve become
The light breeze of songs we used to hum
The memories of you and me
But I stepped back and didn’t see

That dreams, they come and go
Maybe I was running too slow
My dream ran off the dusk
I let him ran off the dusk
Of that faithful summer…

It’s a song I wish I’ve never written
Words I wish we’ve never spoken
At the end of the day, I wish it’s you and me
But the earth conspired and the stars collided
That friends are all we’d ever be.

I can fool myself but no,
I can’t take it, I know I can’t take it back
One last thing that you should know
Is that I love you
And I wish I’ve never let you go.

It’s a song I wish I’ve never written
Words I wish we’ve never spoken
At the end of the day, I wish it’s you and me
But the earth conspired and the stars collided
That friends are all we’d ever be.

Times like this that I’m stuck at home with no school works to stress me out, no deadlines to beat or just minor house chores to tweak at least, I have this tendency to float away.

Float away and perhaps think of you.

I am trying to figure out what happened. It was the worst. I ended something that haven’t even started yet, I kept on asking myself if it was really what I wanted, or maybe what I needed. I don’t know. But surely, I’m not lost. 

Scared, maybe.

You kept on bombarding me with confusion, and it’s as if you wanted me to make the first move. It’s not an issue of pride, either. It’s the fear of expecting too much that keeps me away. And I waited, I swear I waited for you to do something about it. Yes, you. As much as I’ve been trying to do it myself, I just can’t.

I needed you. But I guess you never needed me back.

It was really sad. Every single time I try to merely justify everything— what happened, what I did, what you did, how things fell into the wrong places— it felt literally stupid. They were all my decisions, just like what I’ve planned.

And yet I’m here. still hoping it’s you I’m with every fucking minute of my life.